Just like the government, I am here to help. A brief hiatus from the political blog while I serve you up some helpful travel advice to help prevent you from becoming sick of flying.
Twenty-one months, 158 flights, 120,000 flight miles and approximately 10 hours per week in airports and planes have given me some excellent insight. Sense and courtesy have one thing in common—they are both uncommon. “Really?” and “Seriously?” are emblazoned in my frontal lobe as a result of this commuter lifestyle.
So, here you go-- one tip per month of airline travel. Sit back, relax and enjoy the write.
1. What is it about men and airport restrooms? I am not impressed when you are standing at the urinal with your cell phone in one hand and your New York
2. Parents flying with young uns, walk in FRONT of them as you board. It is no fun retrieving them sprinting to Row 31 when you are assigned to Row 8. Failure to comply will result in you learning the definition of ‘airplane salmon’.
3. If you are a 35 year old male, please do not take a detour into the cockpit to ask the Captain for your plastic “wings”, this should have been done 3 decades ago.
4. Unless you are on Southwest, you have a seat assignment. The flight attendant does not know your seat number anymore than the movie usher knows where your spouse is sitting.
5. Ladies, as you march toward your seat along the narrow path of the regional jet aircraft, to minimize eye injuries and cheek chafing to us passengers sitting in aisle seats, please tuck your boobs inward.
6. "To expedite the boarding process, please enter your seat row and then place your item into the overhead bin” does not mean for you to stand with your big keester in the aisle way while you search for your Kindle buried below your box of Zingers in one of your 3 carry-on, army-sized duffle bags.
7. Walking aboard the aircraft 5 minutes late saying “Sorry my fellow passengers, my kids really wanted Jamba Juice” will not make any new friends for you during the flight.
8. When the flight attendant says “The aircraft door has been secured, it is now time to turn off your cell phones”, there is no 10 minute grace period. Disconnect good grief; you just spoke to them from the restroom.
9. Sorry fellow flight attendants, I probably won’t pay close attention to the life vest segment when I know the largest body of water on my flight route rests in the plane's rear lavatory.
10. Dudes, remove your sunglasses. It is 11pm and you are in an aluminum tube, not really a dating mecca.
11. Do NOT lean your seat backs when you note a 6ft2 215 lb man behind you— your dandruff and my laptop do not mix well.
12. Unless you see Mohammed launching a flame-thrower, screaming on the plane is not really necessary.
13. There is a difference between a reading light and the attendant call button—clue, one has light bulb graphic on it—note the difference.
14. Passengers do not appreciate when “Snooky” farts in her carry-on kennel.
15. I am not a medical doctor, but my research reveals “Folks, the Captain has illuminated the seat belt sign” frequently causes “sudden onset” urinary tract infection and diarrhea.
16. When you hear “For our beverage service, we have Coke products” does not mean the possibility exists that a flight attendant brought aboard a Dr. Pepper just for you. Get over yourself.
17. While at 36,000 feet cruising altitude, why are you asking the flight attendant “Can you tell me how much longer?” If the answer is longer than you thought, then what—you going to see if the pilot can take a short cut? You gonna call someone from your turned-off cell phone?
18. If sitting in the exit row where your assistance may be required, your fellow passengers appreciate you not cashing in your 7 free drink coupons on the same flight.
19. If your baby is sound asleep in your arms, let it be. This is not the time to reach down into your purse tucked below the seat to grab your Glamour magazine resulting in your baby performing its first cartwheel. Similarly, if your child screams for more than 10 consecutive minutes, DO SOMETHING. Your passengers just want to see an itsy-bitsy effort. —“Punkin, it’s going to be OK” solves nothing.
20. When you begin to deplane, the time to remove your items from the overhead compartment is when the plane is awaiting the jet-way to pull up, not when the person in front of you is already kissing their family member at baggage claim. It’s like sitting at the ‘protected green arrow’, why can’t there be some flow and sequencing to this process!
21. Take a look at the baggage carousel—see all of those black suitcases, they are all not yours.
There you go. Pack your common sense and courtesy and pray that I am not on your flight judging your every move!
And Obama is still incompetent...
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